No Way Could I Balance Without Help

Since I started this journey with the Grandlove and his Leukodystrophy, I have learned that it's okay to lean on others when the my world gets a little shaky.  My mom raised me to be independent, but let me tell you, without others I would have literally crashed many times.  I don't always need a hand, but when I do, I can reach down and one will be there to steady me and mine.   What is even more incredible is that sometimes I don't even know that I am on shaky territory as soon as those in my life realize that I need a bit of assistance.  No one can take away my fears, sadness or anger, but they can make sure that those feelings do not become the focus of my life.  Keeping me in balance can be a very tiring responsibility. so I am thankful that that duty is shared by many.  My family, friends, hospice workers, and facebook friends all supply me with the stability that Leukodystrophy tries to shake loose.  Thank you for all the care and support I receive.  Without you all, this would be an impossible journey, especially on the unicycle that all Leukodystrophy families ride.

TRAVEL PLANNING: TENACITY REQUIRED

My good friend and her precious husband are planning to travel to the other side of the world, which has lead to many frustrating hours of co-ordinating passports, visas, flights, lay-overs, hotels, land transportation and other vital aspects of traveling in this complicated, demanding, modern era. It truly boggles my mind with the flow-chart aspect of all the requirements necessary in order to plan a well-desired relaxing vacation.

Just having a passport wasn't enough paperwork to enter China, a Visa was required. Without proof of transportation into the country, the Chinese Embassy wouldn't issue a Visa. Without a flight that would arrive in time for the cruise ship, the cruise ship would leave without my friend and her husband. In order to arrive early enough to catch the cruise ship, they would have to arrive a day early and stay in a hotel. If they stayed in the hotel, which they needed in order to arrive in time for the cruise ship, transportation to the dock (a couple of hours away from the airport) wouldn't be provided. Cruise ship personnel would be meeting the passengers in the luggage retrieval area, which my friends wouldn't be allowed to re-enter the day after their actual arrival.

So, after many, frustrating hours on the phone and computer, a two hour trip to the Chinese Embassy to apply for Visas, and a boatload of money spent for a restful vacation, my friends can now begin to pack.

We all know how little is allowed in the luggage, these days, so they will be packing light. In fact, I suggest that they take disposable clothing and tear out the pages of their paperbacks as they are read to save space for all the trinkets they can buy. Heck, at least when I turn over my treasure from them and the label reads "Made in China" I can know that it was native.

FRIENDSHIP: SO VALUABLE, YET IT'S FREE

Throughout my life I have surrounded myself with good friends. These friends have softened life's blows, celebrated along with me, and encouraged me when I've doubted myself. It is only logical that my daughter also benefited from my valuable friendships and would desire to have this aspect in her life.

Yesterday, when were at the Grandlove's birthday celebration, I witnessed the fact that my daughter has surrounded herself by friends who care for her and her family. These friends come from all walks of life, thus bringing a variety of personalities, abilities and life's experiences. It made me happy to see that friendship is valued and cherished by the next generation.

Friendships are priceless in their contribution to our lives.

HORRIBLE THINGS: WONDERFUL PEOPLE

While we were taking a long road trip to spend some precious time with great friends, nature illustrated our path with rolling fields of Bluebonnets, Indian Paintbrushes and coordinating blooms. Traveling over the winding hills, it became evident why "Texas Hill Country" has earned its reputation of THE PLACE to live or at least visit. It didn't matter how rocky, cactus-laden, or isolated the land, quilts of red, blue, yellow and white flowers covered the craggy hills. What a wonderful addition to our trip these flowery blankets provided.

Our journey took us to our friends' beautiful home, which has a scenic walkway to get us closer to the waterfall in the nearby creek. Sitting on the deck, we talked about pets, children, grandchildren, work, retirement, nature and many other wonderful topics. What didn't deserve much conversation was the reality of the merciless tentacles of cancer which has begun its final strangling hold. Cancer has been fought back for a few years and yet this time the relentless hold has been ruthless and relentless. Cancer markers are indicating that this might be the final treatment cycle.

When I looked at our friends, I saw the everlasting love between the two and the desperation that is barely under the surface. During lunch, quick, tender touches were unconsciously exchanged. Our friend's energy was non-existent and yet she insisted that she was up for company. Lunch for her was quiet and consisted of a couple bites of soup. She didn't want to be a drag on our visit, but yet we could tell that pushing through the visit was draining on her.

After lunch, we drove around the hills and marveled at the architectural marvels clinging to the sides of the cliffs. Returning to their home, the two guys went for a walk around their land and had a discussion concerning the obvious near future. Tough talk for two guys who have centers of love, compassion and loyalty. While they were gone, we enjoyed the soft breezes; discussed family matters, chemo treatments; cancer markers ("mine haven't been too good lately"); and brave fronts of those we love. Never did we discuss what will happen when the monster's hold can't be fought back any longer. I fear that it won't be much longer and I am angry that such a wonderful, humorous, intelligent, kind, giving person should have been turned into a frail, weak, pale, stubble-headed, dull-eyed ghost of her former self.

Hugs and promises of quick returns sent us off down the hills. We hadn't made it to the main road before tears of sorrow crept out from under my sunglasses. My heart was heavy as my husband and I discussed our roles in helping our friends journey through this part of life.

Questions ricocheted throughout the car concerning God turning a deaf ear on the prayers sent for healing. Why would God not heal this remarkable woman and ease this family's pain? If God is all powerful, why won't God bring this fantastic woman back from the precipice of death?

All questions for which we had no answers, so we just know that when we are needed, we will be there at our friends' beck and call.

PLANS: GOD'S TICKLER

The past few days I had made plans to enjoy the company of some interesting people, both friends and family. First off, I was to meet a nice, compassionate, intelligent friend (are there any other kinds of friends worth having?) We had planned on meeting for coffee at our favorite locale, and the challenge was trying to maneuver around the detours, saw horses, missing sidewalk sections, construction workers and lack of parking spaces. Once we arrived at the coffee house, the brew and conversation were both flavorful and satisfying. It's always fun to have conversations with this friend and the list of topics is as varied the combination on the coffee menu board. Delightful time to introduce two nice people to another person who appreciates the flavors of life. Age differences shrink when conversation is open and free. Great way to start the weekend.

Next on my plans was to attend a HUGE CLOSEOUT SALE that my husband wanted to check out. As we waited for the entrance time, we watched the crowd begin to que. Chuckling, my daughter made an observation about the the people who waited for the opening time and then she even laughed harder when she realized that we were also waiting for the opening of this HUGE CLOSEOUT SALE. When the line began to move closer to the entrance, smiles soon turned to frowns as it was announced that there was a cover charge to enter the facility. We quickly decided that we would spend the cover charge money some place else; as we couldn't grasp the idea of having to pay to shop and not receive anything in return.

On our way out of the park, my daughter spotted a nearby garage sale where that cover charge money bought quite a few things for her home office. She is beginning to sell MARY KAY cosmetics , so her little office space will be dedicated to her new business venture. I am hoping that her sales will boost her family's fiances. With the help of my husband to transport the larger items home, we turned the disappointment of the CLOSEOUT SALE into a rewarding little side trip.

Saturday was to be spent with relatives in San Antonio, so we got up before the sun and prepared for the long trip. Gentle rain started the trip, but we weren't very concerned. Instead of the sky brightening as the day progressed, it became black and the rain came in torrents. Before we could even travel forty miles, the sky had opened up with lightening bolts and more rain than the wipers could clear.

Sitting in the backseat a wave of foreboding came over me. When I caught my husband's eyes in the rear view mirror, there was a question coming through those deep pools of blue. A bolt of lightening and its companion thunder woke the baby next to me and he startled.

"Pull over and turn around, I don't feel that this is safe," I pleaded with my husband. Soothing the baby and waiting for a consensus didn't take long, as our daughter agreed that considering the hazardous driving conditions our safest course was to head home.

A phone call to San Antonio relatives was made. Predictably, disappointment clouded their judgment of the situation; they didn't think we were making the right decision by turning back home. I explained that we couldn't see and the rain was coming along with the gusting wind. They pleaded with us to continue because weather conditions at their house were clear. Unfortunately, for us it was another hundred miles to that destination and the storm was a force of nature that we weren't willing to fight. Driving back home allowed us to begin to breathe again and feel comfortable with our decision to cancel our trip.

Flowers for graves and a birthday celebration can wait until another day. Precious cargo and safe traveling were not something we were willing to risk.

Some plans were pretty much the way we envisioned and others were just sand-written ideas that people and nature changed. At the end of all of the events, we were safe and that was what really mattered.

GUARDIAN ANGELS: OURS

This picture represents my family's guardian angel; she's resting as she gets a vigorous workout on a daily basis. There are many times when I am not aware of the smoothing out of life's bumps she has provided, so I will just spotlight a few times that she has made our lives better.

When I first saw this angel, I was taken back by her presence. Everything matched in her attire. Her earrings matched her necklace, bracelet, and ring. This jewelry ensemble accented the distinguished clothes she wore. As she floated down the hallway, I was met with a smile that was repeated with her eyes. Not a hair was out of place and her dignified manner extended to every task she completed. Professional interactions were the beginning of our relationship and on that basis our friendship was built.

I found talking to her easy and we laughed as much as we talked. Upon discovery that we were married to the same type of man, we knew that our "sameness" was greater than any difference other would perceive.

She was the person who I found solace in when my mom's health became an issue of dealing with a loved one's death. Upon the coupling of my daughter and a toxic man, I was able to sort through my feelings and emotions with this angel of mine.

Questions in the workplace, struggles with health issues, finding the groove in my ever-changing life roles, and other difficulties were sorted out with laughter and guidance from my angel.

Joys and happiness were shared, also. Sometimes that meant serving punch at a wedding; holding a newborn grandson; or listening to the same story again.

When a promised vacation found my family stranded thousands of miles away from a safe harbor, this angel provided the means of safely returning us all to home.

Later, constant physical pain and deep depression tempted me to give up to the dark, whirlpool of death. My friend demanded a promise from me to fight and not give up. Some wretched nights I would only have that promise to cut through my mind's fog. A lifeline of friendship can be stronger than any man made material; it can save a life and offer tomorrows. Softly spoken words of encouragement from her kept my head above the waves of despair.

In return for all that my angel has given me and mine, I only have this small gift of words.

Thank you, my friend. Your heart and soul shine brighter than any jewel.

Friendships: Going with the Ebb and Flow

When I was young, my friends were from the neighborhood. We went to school together, played at each others' homes and enriched our lives with all that we shared. Squabbles were settled easily, toys were shared, secrets were traded and brothers were tormented. We would sleep out in my playhouse, and the boys would come in the night throwing tin cans, rolling off the roof to scare us; which it did. Their silly giggles outside, however, dispelled the feeling of goblins and replaced it with the goofy brothers we knew.

Changing neighborhoods, states, and friends proved to be a huge adjustment,but this life lesson taught me to expand my circle of friends. Games I had played up north were unknown in my new neighborhood. Give and take with the new friends allowed me to learn as well as teach. Since we could play outside year round, the major obstacles for me was enduring the scorching heat and prickly, painful sticker burrs. Didn't have any life experience to teach me that something so small, could hurt so very much. Bike rides replaced sledding. Rattlesnake warnings were as casual as warnings to watch out for traffic. Even though, I came from Yankee land, my new friends and I established bonds that were comfortable and enriching.

Early teenage years brought a new environment and more challenges. Economic changes to our family took away many possessions and yet our family managed. I was undergoing physical changes that drew me further into myself and books became even more a retreat for me. Being alone, was not my nature so by high school, I branched out and gather a very small group of friends to my heart. We were a diverse group from all sorts of family configurations and we accepted each other for ourselves and not monetary riches or lack there of.

Many nights were spent at other people's houses, because the situation at my home made the weekends unbearable. Looking back on this time, I realize that my mom was stuck in a toxic situation and when I would escape on Friday nights and return on Sunday nights, she was worn out from the weekend fray. I always let her know where I was and when I came home, she was grateful to see me. My friends' families were accepting of me and for that I am eternally grateful.

Off to college and my experiences afforded me such a variety of friends that when I look back on those years, I realize that my education of life didn't just take place in the classroom. Friends introduced me to facets of life that were so foreign to anything I had ever dreamed. Throughout my college years I kept a small handful of friends who were as diverse as the decade in which I found myself. There was Dina, my friend who took me into her circle of friends and protected me from myself. There was Mary, my Italian, hot-blooded, quick tempered friend, who rescued me and put me on a plane to leave the state. Other friends filled in my years at college and helped me discover my dreams and play a part in the fulfillment of them. And then there was Bill. (Someday, he will be a blog all to himself.)

I will stop at the college years and continue another day with rest of my life. Stay tuned.