Hospice: Not what you think it means!

 

 
 

HOSPICE:  Not what you think it means!

For over two years now, we have been living with the reality that our sweet, precious little boy will not live long enough to get his second set of teeth; double digit birthday cakes; or even kindergarten pictures.  In late Spring we will celebrate his fourth birthday and everyday the realization that he is declining is slapping us in the face.  You see, when the diagnosis of Leukodystrophy is given to the family, since all the family is affected, you reset your priorities. Comfort, smiles, laughter and downright silliness are the things that we pack in the day.  We know more about medications and comfort measures, than first year med students.  There is an unspoken routine that is followed by everyone involved in his care.  The complexity of Stephen's care is not unique for other Leukodystrophy families, but we are one of the exclusive club that watches milestones slip away and in their place come feeding tubes, communication systems, constant monitoring of respiratory and digestive systems, as well as the normal daily care of a toddler who depends on someone for everything.  Anyone can wonder how we manage and that is the purpose of this article.  I would like to point out that NO ONE could be on this journey alone.  Without intelligent, compassionate support, Stephen would have already earned his Angel wings.  That intelligent, compassionate support for our family is Hospice of South Texas. 

Hospice of South Texas has been taking care of our whole family since last fall.  The day that my daughter concluded that school was too energy draining for Stephen, was the day that she enrolled him in the Hospice of South Texas program.  We had believed that a person had to have only a short time to live, in order to receive services, but we were wrong.  The law has changed to include pediatric patients without any time constraints.  (Even though I had been trained as a volunteer years ago, this fact was something I wasn't familiar with, because after all, who wants to think of pediatric hospice services? )

Admittedly, in the beginning we cried a lot, because the mortality of the disease is quite breath-taking.  We were also a bit overwhelmed with all the "new" people in our lives.  It was difficult to keep everyone's names straight, and jokes were made about certain people, like, "Oh, yeah, that's the nurse we like," when in fact, we absolutely adored all the nurses.  All the nurses are unique in their own ways, with a very important factor that ran through each caregiver; each one kept our family's best interest in the forefront of their hearts.  We have always wanted Stephen to have as much comfort and laughter that is possible. 

Some situations have called for house calls from the doctor and medication was adjusted.  These were very scary times, because the little guy seemed to be so miserable and slipping away in leaps and bounds.  No heroic measures were done, just a tweak of medication, more respiratory activity (nebulizer and chest repercussions) brought back happy days for Stephen.

Since Hospice of South Texas has been in our lives, other life events have added stressors to our already complex situation and our support staff have stepped up to the new challenges laid before us.  My Heart (daughter) and her husband wanted to have a baby in their marriage, and everything was wonderful during the pregnancy.  We found out that there would be another little boy in the household and we breathed a sigh of relief, since "we know how to handle boys."  Everything went along as planned until the actual day of delivery.  When my precious, brave daughter was in labor upstairs in the hospital, I was downstairs getting a biopsy of a tumor in my breast.  Before our new little guy was home from the hospital, I received the diagnosis of breast cancer. 

Breast cancer, which has been attacked through surgery, chemo and medication, will not define me, but let me tell you, it has surely knocked the wind out of my ole sails.  In this part of the journey our Hospice support staff have gathered even tighter around us to make sure that we get what we need to have quality of life.  Food has been brought, rides to the doctors have been given, hugs have been shared, shoulders to cry on have been offered, jokes have been exchanged and the many burdens have been shouldered by our friends at Hospice of South Texas.  Rocking new babies, holding Stephen, picking him up and entertaining him are "chores" that I have learned to share with these marvelous people, because when I am not able, these boys deserve to have their needs attended to with the love and devotion, that is the hallmark of Hospice of South Texas. 

No Way Could I Balance Without Help

Since I started this journey with the Grandlove and his Leukodystrophy, I have learned that it's okay to lean on others when the my world gets a little shaky.  My mom raised me to be independent, but let me tell you, without others I would have literally crashed many times.  I don't always need a hand, but when I do, I can reach down and one will be there to steady me and mine.   What is even more incredible is that sometimes I don't even know that I am on shaky territory as soon as those in my life realize that I need a bit of assistance.  No one can take away my fears, sadness or anger, but they can make sure that those feelings do not become the focus of my life.  Keeping me in balance can be a very tiring responsibility. so I am thankful that that duty is shared by many.  My family, friends, hospice workers, and facebook friends all supply me with the stability that Leukodystrophy tries to shake loose.  Thank you for all the care and support I receive.  Without you all, this would be an impossible journey, especially on the unicycle that all Leukodystrophy families ride.

A Special GPS is Needed for this Journey



As the weeks of this pregnancy pass, I try to wrap my head around the fact that this child is healthy and will NOT suffer as my Grandlove has.  He will meet and KEEP all of his milestones.  He will run circles around me, while babbling toddler words and capturing my heart and soul.  When he has the regular childhood bumps and spills, my heart won't stop and my breathing will continue its regular pace.  Doctors' appointments will be few and far in between and only for the "regular" little people stuff.  Clothes will be outgrown; shoes' soles will be worn out; toes will poke out of ends of socks from running around barefoot outside; food will be thrown from the highchair or painted on chubby cheeks with curious fingers; t-shirts will become so soiled from the multitude of staining items, that even using them as dust rags isn't an option; toys will find tender feet, because they are left out after a play date; crust less peanut butter sandwiches will be eaten on a daily basis; T-ball games will be attended, in spite of the hot weather; report cards will be displayed proudly on the fridge, along with drawings; and stinky boy smells will become daily perfume that will bring a smile to my reluctant soul.  When I think of how different this little person will be, I honestly can't even begin to grasp the reality that will be mine in just a few months.  Hang on with me and we will see what lessons this new journey teaches me.

GRANDLOVES aren't for Wimps

This picture of my sweet, precious, Grandlove and his future brother (with his mom, of course) was provided by a very wonderful person.  Jamie took many hours and many photos during this sunny day to capture the best of all of us.  She does this for families with children who are fighting for every day of their lives.  That few hours was filled with laughter, no medication, no tears and for that we are forever grateful.  Thank you, JME Portraits of Cypress, Texas.  You and your family are part of ours, now.

 

 

I wanted to use this picture for my blog, because this blog is about our future, one with a little boy who will be unlike his big brother, my Grandlove.  The past few years I have adjusted how I "grandmother" to the point that thinking about a grandson, who is different from the Grandlove, scares the beejeeus out of me. 

 

I know how to do feeding tubes; around the clock medication; pediatric hospital stays; botox injections for spasticity; physical therapy, occupational therapy; speech therapy, wheelchairs; specialized car seats; AFOs; wrist splints; communication switches; IEPs; ARDs; and Hospice of South Texas.  Each item listed has become ingrained in my everyday "brain" and has become second nature to me.  It's nothing to deal with a runaway feeding tube (unaware that it's unhooked) or juggling the appointments that fill my calendar.  The trade off is that our daily routine has given me a false sense that I can handle a three year old.  Only when we are out and about and I see other little guys running about causing normal little boy chaos that I realize that I don't know how to grandmother that type of boy.  How do I answer all the "Why?" questions that little boys gleefully throw back at adults?  How do I keep a little boy safe, while he explores all the places in his world that aren't meant for little boys, but little fingers always find?  How do I keep up with the energy of a little boy who only has two speeds, fast and asleep? 

 

 Don't misunderstand, I pray everyday that our new addition will be able to do all the things that little boys are suppose to do, and right on schedule and keep on doing everything "perfect" throughout his whole life.  His big brother is the sweetest, most precious little guy in our life, so we are hoping that the sweetness will be a brotherly trait.  If by a slim chance I ever need them, I've already been practicing my lines to this little rascal, once he finds his own voice and spirit.  IF he ever decides to try to talk "smart" to me, I will simply remind him, "Your big brother NEVER talked back to me."  In fact that line can work for many situations of being naughty. 

 

 

Just in case all that doesn't work out, I have already called dibs on my Grandlove.  He fits just fine in my heart and on my shoulder.

Our Angels Here on Earth: Hospice workers

There was a day, a couple of months ago, when a very difficult decision was made concerning my Grandlove.  My Heart had researched what services could be provided for her little boy by our local non-profit Hospice.  Meeting with the pediatric nurse and discussing the monster, Leukodystrophy, brought out many feelings that we put aside during our day-to-day activities.  To keep his days as stress-free as possible, we try to provide a positive environment, thus we don't address "what he used to do" and "what he won't be able to do" very often.  It's not that we don't realize that our time with this sweet, little boy is very limited; it's just that we don't want to focus on the sadness.  Our nurse listened with her heart and gave us her strength to get through that meeting.

 

During that initial intake meeting, his school called that he was sick.  So not only was my Heart starting Hospice for her son, but she decided that school was just too much for his energy level.  We finished the meeting with the wonderful nurse and then picked up our little guy from the school.  Grieving happened in the day; grief for not being able to have the "normal" experience of school and grief for the fact that Hospice was necessary in his little life.  That hit me very hard and I didn't know how I would handle Hospice coming by to provide services to Grandlove and us.

 

Well, my misgivings were very quickly dissolved when the first visit occurred.  In the door two wonderful souls came wrapped in the bodies of two nurses that would provide relief to this tired family.  Medication has always been a major "headache" for us because of the complexity of the prescriptions.  No more would we have to stand in the lines, wait for the compounding, keep track of the interactions or any other unlimited stressors we have endured.  Hospice nurses call in the prescriptions and the pharmacy delivers the medicine to the front door.  Sounds like a minor thing, but anything that could take a burden away from us was a welcomed relief. 

 

Relief from the craziness of local pharmacies that don't "get" what is needed for our little guy, is a very appreciated gift from Hospice.

 

We discussed all of our medical decisions with the Hospice workers (nurses, doctor and social workers) to make sure that the preventative procedures we wanted, could be done.  What a relief to know that things like flu shots, physical therapy, speech therapy, occupational therapy and botox injections could be administered, because we are all in the fight for quality life for our little one.  Amazingly, when the Grandlove gets hit hard by respiratory situations, the nurse comes out, no matter what time they are called.  No more ER visits; no more exposure to everything in hospital waiting rooms; no more having to "teach" medical personnel about Leukodystrophy; and no more questioning the care that was given at the ER. 

 

Freedom from worry, is a wonderful gift that we have received from Hospice.

 

During the visits from the nurses, volunteers, social worker, and doctor we find that these people are focused on the whole family's needs.  We laugh much more than we cry, because of Hospice.  They are here for us for anything that we need to make the Grandlove's life richer, more comfortable and as pain-free as possible.  I don't know about all Hospice situations, but I tell you Hospice of South Texas workers have taken so much stress from our lives.  No they can't cure our sweet boy, but they can do so many wonderful things in our lives.  If they could take our heartache away, I know they would, but since that is impossible, then they have joined us on our journey. 

 

Hospice has joined with us and we will never be alone, no matter how scary this whole process can get.  Our Angels, our Hospice workers wrap up our breaking hearts with their wings and let us know that they are with us. 

Mark of Christ

This was a pic from Grandlove's time to receive the mark of Christ.  He was still walking and babbling, in fact I had to run after him through the halls.  I came across this pic and realized that what we knew about the future for us would fit on the head of the pin.  This was before words such as:  genetic testing, Leukodystrophy, swallow studies, feeding tube surgery, botox injections, physical therapy, funeral plans and quality of life were part of our daily conversations/concerns.  Oh, to turn back the clock and be free of the information that wraps around our hearts and makes it difficult to breathe some days.

Leukodystrophy: Humble Enough to Ask for Help

Well, things have been going along pretty well.  Botox shots have helped my Grandlove with his spasticity in his legs.  His physical therapists have seen improvements and we are so glad that he didn't have major pain after the injections.  The injections should last at least three to four months and since he did so well, we probably will go that route again.  His body weight was enough that the doctor was able to use two full cylinders of botox (one in each leg) and we think that between the botox and his oral meds, that is why we have seen good results.  We were just so thankful that he didn't have any negative reactions to the meds or procedure, that we felt encouraged.

Since my daughter is taking care of my Grandlove full-time, the household income has really taken a huge hit.  If she would get a job, respite care wouldn't be available during her working hours and who would take care of such an involved little guy?  Not only that, but each day, each hour is so valued because of his condition.  When she was working, her heart was torn each time she went to work in the morning and after her lunch-time spent with him at home.  It's not that she doesn't want to work, it's just that she is limited in her options.  His therapies take up three mornings a week and once school starts (he'll be going for three hours in the morning), his therapies will be spread out throughout the afternoons.  We understand that he will never regain his mobility, but the therapies are to help him maintain the limited amount of function that he is clinging to, now.  Speech therapy is teaching him to use buttons to make choices, so that his expressive language can be unlocked.  How frustrated he gets when we don't understand what he wants/needs! 

When we travel with him, my daughter's little car cannot hold his wheelchair, suction machine, nebulizer, feeding supplies and other ordinary toddler needs.  I realize that the economy is not good right now, but right now is when we need a little help.  There is a fundraiser going on for my Grandlove, so that his mom can get a larger, affordable vehicle.  We have been fortunate enough to be chosen by Wooly Babes for an auction in September, but the site for the fundraiser has already been set up and any publications/donations/support would be so appreciated by us all.  My readers already realize how much my Grandlove means to me.  My readers have traveled on this journey from before the diagnosis, until now and so they understand what stress Leukodystrophy brings to a family.  There is no cure for what is stealing away my sweet, little boy, but there is hope of painless days and restful nights.  We do all we can to make sure that he receives what he needs to enhance his life.  Thank you in advance for considering:  "LOTSA OF LOVE FOR STEPHEN".  (There is a page on facebook with more information about my little Grandlove and how you can help/donate.) 

Wooly Babes - Waldorf Dolls for a Cause posted in September's Auction Doll: Stephen ~ September 14-17, 2012

Wooly Babes - Waldorf Dolls for a Cause 2:45pm Jul 4 Invite EVERYONE! Ask people to share, and spread the word on support groups, Craig's list etc. :) Let's get the BEST turnout possible! - Alana-Hermsen Wooly-Babes Please carry this message to your blog/facebook/address book of wherever you can.  I thank you for your help, because many of you have said whatever you can do to help, just let you know and I am asking for this help.  Sincerely, B. (TruthFerret on here and Soupsandwich Messedup on Facebook.)

Two Brave Souls Joined Forever

This picture of my friend as she makes sure that her sweet boy captures every last bit of love he can before he receives his Angel wings. 

No mother has more love for her child than one who will comfort her child as he slips away from constant, excruciating pain caused by the monster known as Leukodystrophy.  Leukodystrophy crushed his milestones and replaced them with pain.  Throughout his short life, he didn't question why he could no longer run and play like other boys; he only brought thousands of people together to fight this insidious monster.  There is no cure and because this is considered a rare disorder, the research goes on better known diseases. 

His mom is my hero, because in spite of her pain of watching her sweet boy die, she has reached back to help my family on our journey.  You see, this will be our fate in a short time.  The Grandlove will be the little boy in the bed receiving the last bit of love we can give him before his time on Earth is gone. 

Thank you, Tadan and Carisa for seeing beyond your pain and helping so many others.

OLD SOUL: YOUNG HEART

This picture is from the beginning of our journey.  Our little guy was still walking, babbling and meeting all his milestones.  We thought that having tubes put in his ears would correct his falling down when he walked.  We didn't have any idea that we would be facing such challenges from then on. 

As I look at this picture, I think back to a conference I had with my Heart's elementary teacher.  I told this teacher, " I don't know what is in the future for my daughter, but I know that she has an old soul and she will do greatness."  At the time, I didn't know that the greatness would be the journey we are on now.  I only knew that she was destined for a remarkable life.  Thank goodness she is a strong, tenacious person.  No weak person would be able to smile, while putting one foot in front of another during the daily challenges brought on by Leukodystrophy .  I applaud all that My Heart is, for she has taken all the loving lessons taught her and fortified herself for the obstacles in her path. 

WEARY TRAVELER: PASSPORT TO UNKNOWN

When I acquired my passport, I looked forward the exotic places and extraordinary experiences it would grant me.  I have cruised to faraway ports and flown to remote lands, where my experiences were exciting, refreshing and scrapbook worthy.  New experiences were so fun.  Not knowing what I would find around the next, added to the enjoyment.  My passport served me well, as I enjoyed new people, places and challenges.    This last year, my official passport has been gathering dust and basically been replaced with the demands of my journey trying to find answers for The Grandlove.  Instead of souvenirs from exotic places, I have gathered receipts from hospital parking garages.  Instead of tour maps of tropical islands, I have learned the quickest way from lab to the doctor's office.  Instead of deciding on which seating would be best for on a cruise, I have learned that the adjoining hospital has a much better selection in their food court. 

 Learning to create creative towel animals on the bed, has been replaced by learning to help the little one overcome his fear of laying on his back during diaper change.  Figuring out the current exchange rate, has been replaced by figuring out the correct dosage of "Barbie Plastic" (Miralax) to compensate for muscles that no longer work correctly.  Trying to stay awake late enough for the Midnight Chocolate Buffet, has been replaced by appreciating any amount of sleep that the little one can get, on the bed and not in some one's arms.  Attending art auctions, has been changed to participating in the therapies scheduled to help with the body that is failing. 

My new passport has granted me access to places, people and situations that I didn't even know existed.  Our journey hasn't been all horrible, I must say, though.  My friends and family members have really stepped in to help anyway that they can.  Listening, encouraging and caring are priceless treasures we are granted on a daily basis by those who love us.  We have also been fortunate to be given the gift of new people in our lives.  Higgins Photography has taken our family into their heart and given us so much love that we are blown away.  Other people have shown us that they know they can't take away the pain, but if they can lessen the intensity they will.  We are strengthened by our blessings of people who prop us up on a daily basis. 

There will be no stamps in my passport for this journey that I am on, no postcards from faraway places and no souvenirs for my curio cabinet.  Each day, each smile, each laugh from the Grandlove is priceless and never to be forgotten.

If I keep busy enough, reality can't be so real.

With all the "stuff" we have to do for the Grandlove-doctors appointment; lab work; equipment ordering; therapists who come to the house for him and everything else, it's not until I finally put my light out and try to sleep that the overwhelming sadness of the reality washes over me.  I am a well-educated, caring woman and yet this reality is one thing that I cannot change.  Our little guy is so tiny, that he's now back in size three diapers.  The only thing that is large about him is the love that he radiates with his smile and giggles when we play games or he listens to his musical toys. 

When he used to love riding in the car, he now screams in terror.  Changing his diaper, brings the same results.  Fortunately, we have a physical medicine doctor who listens and started a new medicine that should help his brain quit sending signals that he will fall into the universe when he's on his back.  Keeping our fingers crossed that his world will not be so terrifying. 

At Christmas it's the season of miracles, and boy would we love to have a really big one about now.  Our little precious boy, who is a blessing to all, needs to be blessed with good health.  In the meantime, we do anything  that we can to make his world a happy place.

ALWAYS ON THE CLOCK: DEFINITION OF NANA

Spent the last couple of days with my Heart and Grandlove running errands, having lunch, keeping appointments and just hanging out.  Since our little guy is totally "hands on" now, one of us is always carrying his hot, little body.  He can't help with the task, so our shoulders become tired, arms go numb and the combined body heat threatens to bring on "the vapors."  As we were doing the little guy "switch-a-roo" I turned to my Heart and asked, "So, am I on the clock for this or off the clock?"  (I am his full-time care taker when she's at work, thus 'On the clock'.) 

My Heart tenderly smiled as she repositioned his stiff, little body and said, "Nanas are never 'off the clock'.  Didn't you know that?" 

Truer words were never spoken and I wouldn't have it any other way. 

With great pain, comes wonderful Blessings

Last week we received a wonderful blessing, indeed.  A beautiful photographer opened up her marvelous studio, immense heart and tender arms to us.  She invited us to bring the Grandlove for a photo shoot, knowing he had many physical limitations.   She treated us as if we were long-waited for loved ones, returning from a tiring journey.  Between the pillows for propping, the outfits for effects and the silly behavior for sweet smiles,  Belinda made sure that she got the best shots possible.

Her studio was remarkable in its elegance, technical advancements, while at the same time maintaining its welcoming atmosphere.  There were more backgrounds, props and costumes than we could imagine.  She had everything so organized that even the enormous amount of material was quickly retrieved and used for the perfect set-up.  Part of the way her studio runs so efficiently is that she has the best front office person possible.  Tender-hearted and yet professional, Tracy made sure that we were treated as if we were the most important customers around.

All the preparations, the photo shoot, the costumes were provided at no charge to us, because Higgins Photography wanted to contribute happy memories to our lives.  In this fast-paced world, how refreshing that people still have hearts and try to ease the pain of childhood "Monsters" like Leukodystrophy.  Belinda and Tracy are truly Earth-bound Angels.  They held our hands and hugged us to take some pain away and replace it with beautiful memories. 

Thank you for our day in the spotlight, you've warmed our hearts!

QUESTIONS WITHOUT ANSWERS

I used to write blogs all the time, but that all stopped on March 10, 2011 when My Heart turned to me in the doctor's examination room and said, "Don't blog about this."  I assured her that I wouldn't, because everything was so fresh, painful and raw at that moment.  It's been almost five months and this will be the first blog I've written since that day.

As readers are aware, I absolutely adore my Grandlove and his mom, My Heart.  That has only increased since my last writing.  We received news from the doctor that day, which has strengthened our bond.  I always felt that My Heart was a good mom, but since that time I have witnessed a remarkable young woman who has shown courage, strength and tenderness in a truly heart-breaking situation.  When the doctor said, "Your son has Leukodystrophy," I knew what the prognosis was, but my daughter had the courage to ask, "What is the life expectancy for this?"  She was able to ask this most difficult question, without panic showing and tears spilling.  The young doctor (aren't they all young?), sighed and hesitated before she said, "I'm so sorry.  There are no treatments and he will not live long." 

My husband, My Heart and our Grandlove numbly left the office  and went down to the lab for the first of many blood draws.  Our Grandlove also had to produce a urine sample, so we had to wait awhile.  To pass some time we sought solace at the food court.  All around us were people talking, eating, laughing, caring for their little ones and yet our world consisted of our small table and the overwhelming barrage of feelings we were trying to handle. 

When my hubby mentioned that we were at a wonderful hospital, My Heart expressed her fear and frustration, "What good is a hospital, if there's no cure for what will kill my son?"  We had no answer to that question.  Five months down the road and we still have more questions than there are answers.

I can't tell you how much blood has been drawn for tests.  All the tests to determine the type of Leukodystrophy have come back negative (when the lab actually ran the correct test.)  We have met with specialists to address the difficulties that have impacted our sweet, little one's life.  Pain has been a huge issue and we are still working with the physical medicine doctor to find the proper dosage of oral meds to help with spasticity and pain. 

Feeding has dramatically changed from the normal abilities of a toddler.  He has no head control and swallowing is difficult.  One fear is that he will aspirate and fall victim to pneumonia.  He has always loved food, and so we make sure that the variety of textures and tastes keep him interested.  Pedisure has been a blessing, although insurance refuses to pay for that as well as Simply Thick for his water/juice.   Having this diagnosis has loosened up our priorities for feeding, though.  If he will eat a Pop-tart and drink his Pedisure, that's a great breakfast.  It takes about an hour for him to drink one sippy cup full of Pedisure and about thirty minutes to eat the Pop-tart by tiny "birdie" bites.  We were told by the nutrientist to mash his potatoes (he does love his 'tators) with real butter and whole milk.  Sweet potatoes with butter and brown sugar do go down real well, too.    Don't think all we feed is junk food.  It's just hard to find protein that doesn't choke him.  Smooth peanut butter in teeny-tiny portions is one source that we have used.  It is an "easy choke" food, so we make sure we have him position just right and his mouth is cleared before he gets another bite. 

He receives therapies in the home a few times a week, which helps with the spasticity and interaction with his surroundings.  He responds well when in the swimming pool and we exercise his legs for him.  We've even gotten him to kick in response to pleasure in the water.  "Water Therapy" soothes both him and us.

In a couple of weeks we go back to another specialist to discuss a feeding tube.  Our little guy has trouble getting enough down, that he doesn't have as much strength as he needs.  From what we have gathered from other families, the feeding tube will help him so much by both making sure he has enough fluids/food and he won't have to spend so much energy trying to eat.  He will still be able to "pleasure eat", which is great 'cause he is a social eater.

The list of the types of Leukodystrophy that he doesn't have has increased with each testing round, but we aren't any closer to finding out what type is affecting him.  In the long run, we realize that over 50% of the cases are never classified to what type. 

All the Leukodystrophies have this in common:  They are inherited; they take away "normal" childhood milestones; and they fracture the hearts of the people who love the child.  We love our little guy and any of us would trade places with him if we could, but since that is impossible we keep loving him, entertaining him, providing him with a stimulating environment and continue fighting to keep the PAIN away.

So, that is what has kept me away from this site.  I couldn't sit and write about this without sobbing.  I still weep and wail at the injustice of this all, but then I sniff, blow my nose and find something else that will make my sweet guy laugh.