BRUISED & BREATHLESS:OUR HEARTS STILL BEAT

Our precious boy will always be this way in our hearts and memories. Eager to play; eager to cuddle; eager to test patience with trash scrounging; eager to have a leash attached and begin an adventure. With his loss our hearts have to be reminded to beat and our breath is forced out of our lungs by sheer willpower. We are so incredibly saddened. Relying on each other for strength is the only way we can put one foot in front of another this past couple of weeks.

My husband actually apologized for being so depressed this week. He revealed that he has never felt as bad as he has because of our loss. Cubby wasn't just a dog; he was an integral member of our family.

Come Monday, when we bring home our new family member, the energy level in the household will be ratcheted up a bit. Having just gone through his neutering process, our little guy will welcome sharing my recliner. We will wait on the porch for my husband to come home from work and greet him. Seeing a smile on my husband's face at the end of a long, stressful day will help my heart to relax and begin to heal. Teaching our new guy to "load up" into the truck for rides will be a skill that is sure to lighten his new master's heart. The enormous weight resting on our chests will lessen the more that our new little guy adjusts to our family. He wouldn't be able to find a family more in need of his warm licks, soft fur and wiggly tail than us.

We do realize that no matter if we found a dog exactly the same color, same breed, etc. there will never be the same dog as the one we lost this week. We can only hope and pray that our hearts will begin beating soon, with the power of unconditional love that only a four legged member of the family can give.

My husband did say that he will continue the search to find the exact same dog as the one we buried, yesterday. He and I both know that it would be impossible to duplicate our sweet boy, but as fresh as the pain is, he is allowed his fantasy. Whatever it takes to get through the days and nights right now.

PAYING TRIBUTE: FIELDS OF SORROW

Yesterday, my husband and I made a solemn journey to visit the grave of my mom and step-dad. It's a trip that we don't take too often for a couple of reasons.

When my mom was alive, she made me promise to visit her then and not go to her final resting place and weep for her. So, I spent much time with her when she could still wrap me in her loving arms and laugh at my silly jokes.

Now, when we make the trek to the cemetary, my heart is heavy and I am reminded about how much I miss them both.

Wiping the escaping tears away, we face the marker and talk about our lives and the void their passing has created.

Saddness envelopes both of us, until we finally break and we decide it is time to move on, away to the future, leaving the past to rest in peace. Beautiful wildflowers are secured and a final quick touch of the cold headstone, which stands at attention among the ever growing field of graves, competes our visit.

Five years ago, the grave was one of the newer ones and now it has welcomed too many more sentries of the fallen. Next time we visit the site, I will probably be amazed that the sea of graves has gone on even further.